Article - The Wrong End of the Stick

The Wrong End of the Stick

Gizmo Shopping Goes Bad

I love checking out e-bay for cheap gizmo’s! A couple of weeks ago I ordered a Bluetooth headset to pair up with my laptop so that we can make free long-distance voice calls over the internet. A brilliant bit of money-saving! The only problem was that I didn’t read the item description properly, and when it arrived it had a U.S. style plug instead of an Aussie one. Until I sort that out the headset is useless to me.

Sometimes We Don’t Read People Very Well Either

Just like I didn’t read the description of the item I ordered well enough, we very often don’t read the people around us well enough to really understand what they are thinking, how they are feeling and what they are trying to say to us. I am sometimes staggered by just how badly people get the wrong end of the stick about other people – especially people who think they know each other really well.

It Hurts When our Hearts are Missed

We all know what it is like to be misunderstood at times. Whenever I tell my kids to go get a book each for me to read them before bed, they are sure to return with several! We all condition our minds to hear what we want to hear or what we expect to hear. When you expect to be criticised by someone, you will usually hear a compliment as a veiled criticism regardless of how it was intended. Sometimes people make genuine efforts to relate positively with us, but our negative expectations cause us to be unaware or suspicious about that. It can be a little frustrating if we are misunderstood when communicating information, but it is hurtful when we are misunderstood in who we are and how we feel. I have spoken to many people who have hurt over the fact that their spouse or children feels unloved or unappreciated by them. “How can they think that I don’t care about them?” they say, and then they list all the ways that they have attempted to show care to that person. Somehow the message has not gotten through.

How Do We Give People the Right End of the Stick?

(For those unfamiliar with this expression, it means “How can we make sure people are getting the right message from us?”)!!

There’s a huge number of strategies to help make communication work better. Here’s just 2 for today:

Tune In

Learn to pay attention to your own feelings and the feelings of those around you. In the vast majority of situations, what you are talking about is less important than how you treat those you are talking to, so pay attention to things that affect how people are feeling during your conversation. Is everyone feeling listened to? Do people feel comfortable enough to genuinely express what they think or feel? Learn to ask good questions that help the person speaking to clarify their own thoughts & feelings, and help those listening to clearly understand what that person is trying to express.

Learn a New Language

If you are trying to improve a relationship, you need to start speaking the same language. For some people, it doesn’t matter how much you say “I love you”, if you don’t help with the dishes, you don’t really care! Someone else couldn’t care less about what you do for them - they want to have some quality time alone in order to feel cared for. Others respond better to encouraging and tender words or physical closeness or thoughtful gifts. If you want someone to “get” the fact that you really do care about them, you need to take the time to learn to express that care in the language in which they best receive it. If you are feeling uncared for, try looking at what that person does to see if they actually are trying to show you how they feel, you just aren’t reading them right.

That’s all for now!

Mike Birch