Dealing with Difficult People in the Church pt 1
1 Thessalonians 5:14&15
Introduction
Who has ever felt a little ticked off by other people in the church? Let’s admit it, your fellow Christians get on your nerves sometimes, and for good reason. Some of the most annoying people I know are Christians. I have been more deeply hurt and disappointed by Christians than by those who are not Christians.
It doesn’t sound like a very promising start to a sermon, does it?
One thing I love about the Bible is that it is not a fantasy novel. It is very realistic. It is honest, it is truthful, and because it is so truthfully honest it is of real help to us as we live in a world that does not live up to the ideals that we would hope for.
Early on in our series in 1 Thessalonians we discovered that the church in Thessalonica was going really, really well. Paul was relieved – in fact, overjoyed – when he heard just how well the church had been going.
But even when a church is going well, there are going to be people within it who are not going so well. As Paul gives some closing instructions to the church he tackles the subject of what to do with people who are not doing well. People who are causing difficulties to themselves and to others.
1 Thessalonians 5:14-15
And we urge you, brothers, warn those who are idle, encourage the timid, help the weak, be patient with everyone. 15 Make sure that nobody pays back wrong for wrong, but always try to be kind to each other and to everyone else.
We Have and Urgent Duty to One Another
Verse 14 begins “And we urge you, brothers…”
As Paul talks about dealing with difficult people, I want you to recognise 2 very important principles:
1) Dealing with difficult people is our shared responsibility
Paul addresses the whole church as he makes the following requests. It is true that the elders of a church have a particular oversight and responsibility to care for the church and to deal with people according to their needs, but that is never just an eldership responsibility. We are all responsible to love one another, and that sometimes means helping people who are being difficult. It is always easier to leave this sort of task to someone else, but we are all called to something more. We are called to a deep commitment to Christ and to one another. Being in a church family is more than just turning up on Sundays. It is much more than that. It requires much more than that from us.
2) Dealing with difficult people is an urgent priority.
There is a tone of urgency in how Paul addresses the Thessalonians here. In verse 12 Paul is asking the Thessalonians to love and respect their leaders, but notice there is an even greater urgency in this request in verse 14 to deal with people who are difficult in the group. It is important to treat our leaders properly, but it is perhaps an even more urgent priority to deal with those people who are struggling in a way which restores and helps them.
Who are the People who Cause Difficulties in the Church?
There are a number of different types of problematic people described in these 2 verses. I’m going to describe these pretty bluntly. It may sound a little uncaring, but what I am actually doing is portraying the seriousness of these various conditions. We need to understand how serious they are so that we deal with them appropriately.
1) The Unruly
The word used by the NIV in verse 14 is “idle”, but it is perhaps better understood using the NASB or King James Version which says “unruly”. This word is describing those people who cannot be bothered to keep in step with the rest of the church. People who will not submit to the authority of leadership. People who are always out of line. This word was used in a military setting to describe someone who was insubordinate, someone who did not do their duty, someone who was not submissive.
There are 2 basic reasons for this. One is apathy – a person simply cannot be bothered to do what is expected, to live in a way which is expected of them. The other is rebellion – they do not want to take orders or submit their own desires, ambitions or needs for the sake of others. They are either undisciplined, uncommitted or unteachable – possibly all three!
Unruly people undermine the unity and effectiveness of the church.
2) The Timid
We often feel sorry for those who are timid, but we often fail to realise how dangerous it is to allow people to remain in this condition. We often indulge people who are timid instead of helping and challenging them to grow.
The word translated “timid” here literally means “small-souled”. It describes someone who is faint-hearted. This person is always a victim or a potential victim. A timid person always sees the negatives and the dangers in any situation. They prefer the comfort of familiarity rather than the mystery of the unknown. They always resist change and the uncertainty it brings. They squash faith because it is risky and unsafe. They simply do not have the courage to do what God calls them to do. Their negativity and fear infects the church and stifles any new work that God stirs up in the hearts of its members. The timid person seeks safety and self-protection above all else.
The timid person says “Don’t challenge me, I’m too fragile. Don’t ask anything of me.” The timid person expects to be looked after – they suck the energy and resources of the church from where they should be directed.
Timid people stifle the growth and creativity of the church.
3) The Weak
There are a number of different people this phrase can be applied to:
The Morally Weak
Who are the morally weak? They are people who seem to constantly struggle with sin. They struggle to discipline their thoughts, on the contrary they entertain temptation until they get to the point of acting on it. They lack spiritual power and spiritual discernment. They know very well that it is beyond them to live the righteous life that God calls us to, yet they have not discovered the power of allowing God’s Spirit to control their thoughts and actions.
Because of their own moral weakness, these people tend to be more suspicious of others. Their guilty conscience often drives them to legalism in a futile attempt to defeat sin. Morally weak people are often the harshest critics of sin in the lives of others. Their frustration at their own hidden sins drives them to judgementalism instead of compassion and gentle restoration.
The Weak in Faith
The Weak in Faith are talked about in Romans 14 & 15 and also 1 Corinthians 8 to 10. They are people with an oversensitive conscience. They see sin where a person with strong faith does not. Where a person of strong faith has confidence and liberty, someone with weak faith is always afraid of stumbling. They lack confidence in their understanding of the character of God and in the leading of His Spirit, so they look to written rules to guide their actions.
The Weak in Body
Of course there are also people who are weak in body. This is a different category altogether from the others which are in view in this passage. Most commentators agree that this passage is not speaking about physical weakness, but that is not to say that people who are physically weak do not need the help of their Christian brothers and sisters. This is simply because Paul is addressing spiritual issues, and while at times there may be spiritual causes to our physical condition, this is not always the case.
People who are morally weak or weak in faith are dominated by sin or the fear of sin. Remember that sin is the falling short of God’s standards. Weak Christians do not have the strength to pursue and attain God’s will for their lives. They can sap the spiritual strength of a church if this problem is not addressed.
It’s all inspiring stuff so far isn’t it!
Actually, I think it is. It’s nice to recognise that even in a church that is going so well, people still need to be aware of those who are struggling with these conditions, and to take the responsibility to do something to help them.
We all fall short of God’s standards, and we all need help to be the people that God is creating us to be. That’s what the church is for. The church is not for perfect people – that’s what Heaven’s for! The Church is for people who are in the process of being made perfect. And it’s that process that we need to learn a bit more about this morning. What does this passage teach us about how we can help each other to grow beyond these sorts of problems?
I want to stress that in each of the instructions Paul gives, they have the flavour of coming alongside to do something. In other words, in each case we are being asked to come alongside our Christian brothers and sisters in love. We are being asked to get involved with each other, not to criticize from a distance or ignore each other. We are to care so much for each other that when we see someone affected by one of these problems, we take the initiative to prayerfully get involved. We don’t leave it to the Pastor or to the Elders, we take responsibility to be the sort of church family that God wants us to be.
But how specifically can we deal with each of these different problems?
1) Warn the Unruly
People who are out of ranks need to be warned about the consequences of their actions or their lack of action.
A couple of weeks ago when we addressed the issue of the church’s relationship with its leaders, I mentioned that respecting and submitting to leaders never implies a blind obedience. It doesn’t stifle discussion and debate, or suggest that leaders are infallible.
In a similar way, when we talk about the importance of being in step, we are not talking about everyone having to think the same and act the same. It’s not about conformity, but about order. God is a God of order, not disorder. He does not approve of His church being thrust into chaos because of rebellion or laziness.
The church is meant to be a body which works together for the purposes to which God has called it. We cannot do this if some parts of the body refuse to work in cooperation with the other members. You cannot have different parts of the body pulling in different directions, or just being dead weight.
People who are having this effect on the body need to be warned. That word literally means to “put sense into”. They need people to come alongside them say “I’m worried about the consequences for you and for our church if you continue down this path”. They need someone to listen to them and find out what the issues are. Have they simply grown tired of the effort that they were investing and decided to pull out of involvement? Are they disgruntled because they felt ignored or unvalued? Do they have some doctrinal or other concerns that need to be worked through? Are there issues of unhappiness in their life that are affecting their relationships in the church? Are there personal agendas that need to be exposed?
Whatever the reason for their being out of sync with the church, it must be exposed for what it is and they must be made aware of the danger of continuing down that path. This should be done gently but firmly – the truth spoken in love, so that we may grow up together into Christ (Eph
2) Encourage the Timid
Secondly, we must encourage the timid.
To encourage means to come alongside and speak gently in order to build them up. We don’t want to shame them or belittle them further, we want to gently build them up. How do we do that?
Timid people are controlled by fear and doubt. Listen to what Paul says in 2 Corinthians 12:10…
10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
This is the direct opposite to the way a timid person thinks! The timid person fears weakness, fears insults, fears hardships, persecutions and difficulties. They avoid any action that might lead to them experiencing these things.
What was Paul’s secret? It’s found in the preceding verses:
2 Corinthians 12:7-9
7 To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. 8 Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. 9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.
Paul had discovered that in his weakness, Christ’s power was made perfect. It was only when Paul was out of his depth that he truly discovered the sufficiency of Christ. The timid person never puts a toe in the water, let alone goes in over his depth! They need to be gently encouraged, bit by bit, out into deeper water.
How do you do this?
The promises of the Bible are a good start. Memorise together the promises of Scripture. Share the stories of the heroes of faith like David and Gideon and Deborah and Noah and Moses and Rahab and Joseph and Mary and so on. Share your own stories of how God has worked in your life. Bit by bit build up the faith that is necessary to grow a person’s soul. We do not want to make people self-confident, but Christ-confident.
With gentle encouragement people can conquer their fears and attempt things they never thought possible and tolerate things that were previously intolerable. They will discover the gifts and calling that God has placed upon their life that they were always to scared to act on, like the servant who buried his talent in the ground because he was afraid to take a risk (Matt 25:14-30). He squandered what His Master had given him, which is exactly what timid people will do unless they are helped to grow in faith.
3) Help the Weak
What is it that the morally weak or the weak in faith need from us? They need our help.
Let’s start with the morally weak. How do we help someone who repeatedly falls into sin? Same as the others that we have looked at so far – we come alongside. For this to happen, there needs to be an openness about sin where we can confess it to one another and help each other through it. If we are all busy pretending to be perfect we will be unable to help one another to get closer to being perfect, closer to being free from the wreckage of sin in our lives.
How do we help? We pray together. We keep accountable to each other – we ring up or meet together and check on each other. We share the biblical principles that can grow our understanding and prepare us for lives of righteousness.
One thing we do not do is make people who are morally weak feel ashamed or inferior. That is what Satan does to try and keep people bound up and frustrated and unable to receive the help they need. That is what Satan does to promote hypocrisy in the church which turns people away from the God who we proclaim but don’t really follow.
One of the most helpful things to me in overcoming some habitual sin in my life was to confess it to others. Instead of staying shamefully silent I discovered that other people identified with my struggles. I felt reassured and supported and encouraged to continue to struggle against my sin. I have also been privileged to share with those who have confessed their hidden sins to me, in order to help them to have the support they needed to overcome what was hindering their walk with God and their work in the church.
Are you willing to help others in their fight with sin, or would you rather not know? Are you willing to receive help?
The Weak in Faith also need help. The help they need takes two forms. Firstly, they need help in the form of sensitivity to their weakness. In Romans and 1 Corinthians we are urged to be sensitive to one another in how our actions affect each other. If something you do causes your brother or sister to sin, don’t do it. Help them by not doing the things that you have a right to do. There can be all sorts of things that cause people to be weak in faith in particular areas. In the early church for example, a common situation was that people who had come out of pagan worship were very sensitive about eating meat that might have been sacrificed to idols. People who came from a background of Judaism could be quite sensitive to matters relating to Old Testament ceremonial law. In both cases, these people did not feel comfortable with things that other Christians were fine with.
It is very possible that in exercising their Christian freedom around such people, other members of the church could in fact have a negative effect on them rather than a helpful effect. Not only might it cause distress to them, but it may also confuse these people as to what was right and wrong, and might lead them to fall into things that they shouldn’t.
Paul says that he would rather give up his personal freedom if it prevents his weaker brothers and sisters from falling in to a trap of sin.
The flip side of that is that we can best help our weaker brothers and sisters by causing them to grow stronger. To always indulge a weak person means that they will stay weak. People with weak faith need to be helped to grow to be stronger in faith. This means specific teaching on their points of weakness. This means gentle encouragement and training. This means developing close spiritual relationships with people of mature faith, rather than people of weak faith sticking together.
However this process must not be rushed. To move too quickly could destroy someone with weak faith. This was very evident during my time at
In my own experiences as a leader, I am aware of some occasions where I thought people were ready to do certain things that were outside the boundaries of what had been done before, only to find out that they were not all ready. The resulting fallout was very painful. Knowing the best way to help those with weak faith requires a lot of discernment, but the best way to do it is through close involvement.
Conclusion
The command of Scripture today is pretty clear: warn the unruly, encourage the timid, help the weak. None of us are exempt from being unruly, timid or weak. I think most of us spend a little bit of time in each of those camps! Let’s make sure that we are helping each other move out of those situations and in to fullness of God’s intention for us as individuals and as a church.
Are you ready to do that? Are you ready to receive it?
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